I can’t feel anymore. Every day is as grey and dark as the next one, just as pointless. I walk through every single day the same way now. I only see the darkness. I’m no longer cold and nothing hurts anymore. There are no tears, no pain. I don’t even wish to die anymore.
Sometimes I find myself checking my pulse, just to make sure I’m still alive. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. My chest is heavy. Like there’s something on my chest, pushing down on it, never letting go. It’s nothing like when your head rested on it. That was a much welcomed weight. It was warm, and I could always feel your slow, warm breath on my skin and I didn’t need any covers to warm me at night because you were there, your breath was there to make me warm. Even back then, there was a weight on my chest, but it wasn’t like this at all. That weight was one that could make me feel like I was floating at the same time. Like my body didn’t weigh anything at all and like it didn’t matter if it did because all that mattered was that you were there. You and your sweet breath on my hungry skin.
I stayed up all night just listening to you breathe, feeling you against me, absorbing you. It felt as though you were this endless being, and there wasn’t enough of you to take in.
I always felt warm back then. Even during those horrible times when I couldn’t be close to you. I could still feel your warm breath on my skin. I didn’t shower in the morning because I was afraid of washing you away. It felt like I would have only become dirty if I washed away the traces that you had left on my body.
For a long time, people thought I was crazy. They were right. You woke something in me. Something I never knew was slumbering inside me. Suddenly I couldn’t remember simple things. I called Ron “Hermione” and was surprised when he told me, that wasn’t his name. You were on my mind all the time. I saw your face whenever I closed my eyes. You were looking at me through those beautiful, liquid silver eyes of yours, decorated by pale eyelashes. Your eyes were laughing softly at me and just that made me sweat. The image of your face was floating around everywhere. I saw you in every little thing. In the way a raindrop glittered in the sunshine on a leaf. In the soft, silver light of the moon. In every song that I heard, I heard your soul singing to me.
One night we were sitting on the grass by the lake. You were leaning against me. Your soft hair was tickling my nose and I took deep breaths and filled my lungs with your sweet scent. I tried to absorb your every touch. The way your back warmed my front. I tried to fill myself, my every cell with you but the more I took in, the more I craved and I had to put my arms around you and press you into me more. Pressing my lips against your throat, I could feel your pulse and my hand found that spot on your chest and beneath it I could feel your heart beat. As your heartbeat quickened and you whispered my name, I knew it was beating there for me.
I walk along empty streets, not knowing, not caring about what I’m still doing here. I can’t feel the rain against my skin, nor the biting coldness of the wind. I still see your face in front of me all the time. It’s blurry as thought this constant rain and all this time has washed it away. Your eyes still shine at me though.
I will never be able to forget the first time without you. The pain of having lost you came in thick waves and went on forever and never stopped, it just increased more and more. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, tears and my own blood and I had no idea where it all came from. There were scars all over my body but I didn’t feel any pain from them because a different kind of pain was controlling my whole body.
One time when I woke up, my hands were tied to my sides and when I screamed someone came in and explained that I was a threat to myself and that I had to remain in those bonds until I stopped hurting myself in my sleep.
I don’t know when that happened but after a while they let me go. By then the pain slowly disappeared. I felt nothing anymore. Slowly all the colours disappeared. Everything was replaced by this all-consuming darkness.
On rare occasions when I manage to fall asleep, I can still see fragments of those sweet memories we used to share. I can see the wind in your soft hair. Or your face blossom as a soft smile creeps onto your face slowly. Sometimes, just for a second I can even feel your skin under my palms, timeless beauty and endless warmth seeping into my fingertips.
When I wake up I no longer remember these things but your presence is still here. Your ghost is here and I can feel you linger in the room. Those times, it hits me with full force that you will never come back. I have lost you for ever and your breath will never warm me again. And just for a second I can even feel the empty coldness you’ve left me with, all the way into my bones. Those times I know that the pain is still here and will never leave me. It has become my companion through life and I can no longer feel it, but it’s still there.
Those times I wish I could still feel your breath on my skin and I freeze more.
I wrote this a while back and since much of my work was inspired by Michael I thought it only fair to post this here. Thank you, Michael for touching my life the way you did.
~ unmei3 (Dellie)